| thank buddha i’m not going to school. i can barely concentrate on the seemingly frivolous things i care about, much less obligatory school work. so i have a lot going on, mentally. things i keeping thinking and thinking about. let the floodgates open. above all and else, i keep thinking about theatre and all things related. it does not stop. ever since pirates, when it was my job to care that much, it’s just become habit, a thing, to plan and consider and obsess over shows. particularly, in this case, what we’ll be doing next year. because it’s my senior year, and i will absolutely not tolerate the sound of music, the wizard of oz, or beauty and the beast. there are other acceptable shows out there, ones meant for an ensemble, not just stars. because if they could, our directors would just as soon do the last five years or tick, tick..boom! or little shop since the casts are so small and chorus-less. so instead, they do bigger, CRAP shows, with no regard to who else will be in it. shows are meant to be chosen and then casted, not choosing a cast and selecting a show around those people. fact. everyone knows the high school theatre dynamic is screwed up with favoritism and such, but STILL. some regard to the others would be appreciated, considering 40 ensemble members beat out 10 leads. so all mrs. collins has to do is read my presentation and will therefore - see how blind she has been in the past, and realize the potential of others besides erin and morgan.
- pick a GOOD SHOW because that’s exactly what it is.
- love me forever and therefore make me a favorite.
that’s all i wanted from the start. i have this book, dramarama, and it is basically my life if i was tall and a dancer. anyway, sadye, the main character, has what she calls this “lurking bigness”. well, i think i have a bit of that too. i love this soosososoooo much, i really care. it is one of the few things i am completely devoted to. i just want fulfillment. it’s so hard to love something so much and not feel complete gratified. but this is my year. my goal was to get a lead, of any kind, by senior year. it will happen. i prepare myself everyday. see, i’m kind of a secret nerd in that sense. i print sheet music and rehearse on my own certain songs pertaining to a certain part, thinking- in case i ever get the chance to audition, i’ll be ready. i study other actresses and read up on the characters and listen to the music and create my own personality for that character. so that’s why i’d love to be mrs. lovett if we do sweeney todd. or ursula or kim in bye bye birdie. or toffee in zombie prom. no one has ever seen me do really well, the most of my potential. i’ve been preparing for this for a while. it means a lot, you know? but then a favorite will walk into auditions and do a mediocre rendition of the song i’ve been singing for quite literally years, and get the part no problem. it’s happened. but not this year. i cannot allow it. it’s all i think about- how to get a good show and get a good part. and then i keep obsessing how i need to make les mis 1) happen.... 2) be the ideal theatrical experience. i want it all- incredible cast bonds, inside jokes, late rehearsals, incredible sets, fantastic costumes, impromptu sing-alongs, hanging out with castmates on days off rehearsal, going out before or after rehearsals, all of it. i want every cliche. i want fulfillment. another thing that’s been consuming my thoughts is aris. i know why, but it makes no sense. mostly because he makes no sense. i can’t tell what’s going on with him, what he’s thinking. with my limited boy interaction, i’ve had guys (all 4 of them…ever) throw themselves at me. it was OBVIOUS what their intentions were and what they wanted. but aris. well, he’s older, so he probably has enough sense to not be so ridiculously straightforward. but honestly, he could have just asked for my number instead of making implications that he wanted it. because then i was confused- i couldn’t tell if he actually wanted it or was just saying some clever remark. you want to go see the hp7 midnight premiere? yeah so do i. with you. and i think that’s where you were going with that statement, so WHY NOT TURN IT INTO A QUESTION AND ASK IF I’D GO WITH YOU. BECAUSE I WOULD. don’t leave it to me to say, omg, i want to see it too! we’re so going together. because i can’t tell if that’s what you were hoping for. and if it isn’t, and i did say that, then i would feel like an absolute nincompoop. seriously. but then he hugged me before leaving yesterday and he texts me more and he took me with him when he picked a tux and he drove me to rehearsal that one time and he’d come visit me at teatime and he’d leave ej at old timers and we’d talk for such a long time. and now we’re going to prom together, which is obviously an indication that i don’t DISLIKE him, but rather like him beyond the normal friend area, because let’s face it aris, that was not exactly a “friend” move. it can and has been played off as such, but i only knew you for a few months, strictly from work, and AGH. would he know that i cliche-ly spent an HOUR doing my hair and makeup before work yesterday? with him in mind the whole time. and that i freaked out inside when i remembered how cool it is to know he’s waiting for me when i’m clocking out. and that he’s nice enough to wait around in the cold with me for my forever late ride home. he has done all these nice things, above the standard “friend” level, i think…..so WHY CAN’T HE JUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? ASK ME OUT ALREADY. DO NOT LET ME DOUBT YOU. I’D RATHER KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON AND BE SAD ABOUT YOU NOT LIKING ME THE SAME WAY THAN NOT KNOW AT ALL. i listen to “i could write books” all the time because of him. it fits perfectly. I could write books
‘bout all the things you don’t know about me,
page after page of all the things you didn’t say.
I could write books
‘bout all the things you didn’t do,
And then write twice as much
about how much I still love you.
I drop hints about my birthday,
you forget it anyway.
I say pick me up at seven,
and you do, but the wrong day.
Is there something I should know about
that’s going on inside?
What is wrong with me that there’s
so much of you you hide?
I could write books
‘bout all the ways you hurt me,
All the ways you didn’t even know could destroy a person so.
I could write books
‘bout all the things you took from me,
And then write twice as much
About how much you give back.
I could fill all the desert sands
With ancient scriptures from my hands,
Watch siroccos come erase them
And then write them all again.
I just can’t understand why I do
all these things that don’t make sense;
but love it seems has a logic
that defies all evidence.
I could write books
‘bout all the things I don’t know about you,
volumes one and two of all the doubt you’ve put me through.
And maybe I’ll never know
why you do the things you do,
but I do know…I’ll always love you.
‘Cuz deep inside, I think you love me, too. i had this overwhelming WANT yesterday- i wanted him to text me. i just wanted to talk to him. and then i kept thinking back to the tux place. we were sitting so close to each other, and how he'd turn and look me right in the eye and we laughed at the crazy things the guy was saying and it felt so private and close and god i just wanted to hold his hand. i think that has got to be the most wonderfully intimate thing in the world. i've thought about it a lot, and i think that's why i thought i liked mike. because i liked holding his hand so much. just not in front of other people, like a work, so i realized it wasn't real and blah blah. but still. it was sooo nice. anyway, i try to add all of these things up with aris. like, texting until i fall asleep-not visiting me on break+waiting for me+a compliment-taking 15 minutes to reply=???? okay? that’s it. that is what i think about with the most consistency, with the occasional unrelated thought here and there. lordy, i need resolutions. |
